And so begins a new chapter in my life.
Last week I left my job of almost 8 years. Eek, scary stuff! So in a new attempt to find other people out there going through similar things and want to find someone to relate to,
I am starting this blogging thing. Here goes…
First, some back story: I welcomed my wonderful daughter into this world this past June, which put my life in a whole new perspective. Of course; it did all the expected things like make me fall in love with my husband in a whole new way and show me the true meaning of physical strength (I had her naturally, amazing, I know). It also changed me in ways I never saw coming. Suddenly I realized that I am a living example to her and that made me step back and take a really long, hard, painfully honest look at myself. Am I who I want her to emulate? Would I want her to walk through life like I am? The honest answer is “no”.
“Well damn, now what”?
I started to; piece by piece; pull myself apart and look at what's right and what's wrong. It is an ongoing introspective journey that I'm struggling through. Each facet is complex, emotional, and difficult. I am trying to correct parts of myself because I have realized somewhere along my path; that I veered farther and farther from; who I think of myself as and what the reality is no longer a truly reflects who I am. I began to look at myself and didn’t know who I was seeing. I didn't like that. If I am to be an example, a mother, a person who can stand tall be strong, I had to begin to make some changes.
It's so easy to pass along judgment and pontificate about how to live but another thing entirely to really live in your own truth. I woke up to the fact that I didn't feel whole. I didn't feel fulfilled like I should. So I took the first steps to correct my path, to rebuild myself. I started looking at myself from the inside out.
The big categories were easy to sift through.
Marriage: we're good there. I have a solid and honest one with a good man. We have been together for 8 years. We did it the right way. Don’t get me wrong, both my husband and I come from unplanned families. We took our time to date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, and solidify our careers. That’s the way we wanted to do it. We wanted to make sure we were really the right people for each other. Having the baby conversation was easy and felt like the right time to start our family. So we did. Pregnancy was great for our marriage. It brought us together and truly showed me that my husband was exactly the man I wanted to be my baby daddy. So this area of my life is good.
Home: we bought our little slice of adulthood a few years ago. It's a work in progress but I truly love where we live and how we live. I could go on but I'll leave this area alone for another post later.
Family: this is a rough area for me. I have an unusual take on family. My biological family is, well...complicated. There is always love but not always a connection. I accept this. Let’s just say there's work to be done. My in-laws are equally complicated. I married into more family than I know how to handle. Two families with 9 siblings combined ranging from 5 to 29 years old. I know crazy right? I didn't really have relationships with my siblings growing up so I had to figure out how to be an older sister to his siblings. He has 2 parents, 2 step parents (both of whom he loves as blood), 8 grandparents and tons of extended family. I grew up with only one parent (my ma) and one grandparent who passed when I was small. I truly love my new families but this is a overwhelming amount of people! When looking at this aspect of my life I'm comfortable with how it's progressing. So in looking at my life, I moved on.
Money: now let's get real. There is NEVER EVER enough. No matter how much you make or not, it's always a struggle. My husband and I are not savers. We live in southern California and it's expensive so we have always lived paycheck to paycheck. Life isn't kind and we are middle class Americans. We struggle, but somehow always make do. Not a lot to change, unless I come up with a winning lottery ticket. This struggle is forever, so I moved on.
Work: now this is where I truly struggled. Well, more like tortured. This goes back to the beginning of this post. I quit my job. Truly one of the most incredibly difficult things I have ever done. I cried....in public when I made the decision to leave. Mind you this is not something I do lightly...ever. I had more heart wrenching conversations with people in my life about this topic than anything else in my life. I will probably write an entire post about this on another day. The end result is I am now staying at home with my baby, which is a crazy, wonderful, and terrifying thing. For now I'll move on.
My body: as a woman it's a battle. I battle internally and externally to find a happy place. But as a mother to a little girl I realized that this has to be a positive war. I MUST come to terms with who I am physically. My decision was clearer than any other I have made about myself. I am finding a peace in becoming a healthy person. Maybe I will never be thin, but I will create a more positive and comfortable version of my body. My daughter will never utter the awful things about herself that my internal voice says daily. She will grow up with a better sense of self, and confidence than I have. If that means that at times I fake it, or ignore my love of sweets to show her a healthy lifestyle. So be it. Decision for change = made. Moving on.
Words: weird category; I know; but I focused on this relentlessly. I am a weird kind of coach to a lot of people in my life. I find myself giving advice more often than most, but not practicing what I preach. This is not okay in my book. I talk to people about living their dreams and listening to the universe. Having faith; although I stopped doing so myself. I let my rational mind take control at some point and lost the ability to hear my own words. This bothers me more than almost anything about myself. This is what all my feelings boiled down to. How can I sound like the person I want to be, the example to my children, yet live in a totally different form? I chose to open my ears, to feel my passions more, and not to let the world outside cloud my dreams. But how to find balance? How to pay your mortgage and still live your passion? Sadly, I don't know. I do know that I am taking steps to figure it out now.
My daughter is a gift.
People say this to me all the time. My thoughts, “well duh”. Your body just made a person. You created life itself. It's a miracle. While yes; this is true; it's more than that, more than the logical. Having a child and becoming a parent can be a gift to yourself. My daughter has motivated me to become the best possible version of myself that I can be. She has given me the spark that we; as adults; lose. She has inspired me to be the blaze of passion and the light that we can truly be. In doing so I hope I can inspire her to be a better version of me. After all, isn’t this the point of parenting? This idea gets so lost in chores, errands, and life that we forget. I'm starting to strive for thriving instead of just surviving my life.
On that note, I'm going to bed.
To be continued. ....
E.
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